What I’ve Learned From Brené Brown’s FFT’s

I love Brené Brown and her work. She is a brilliant researcher who has shown the world that it’s OK to be vulnerable, OK to be rubbish at something when you’re starting out because how else will you learn? No one is an expert in the early stages of business, no one has all the answers - and that’s OK! We’re not supposed to, we’re supposed to be rubbish at things early on, to be unsure, to not have the answers, to learn on the job. That’s how it works.

In Brené’s very first podcast, she talks about trying out new things and experiences - I’ve learned so much from her over the years, and this podcast is the icing on the cake! Her podcast is called Unlocking Us, and this first episode is well worth a listen.

To Brené, the very definition of vulnerability is risk, uncertainty and emotional exposure – which means that being new to something, being awkward and a bit rubbish at it is the epitome of vulnerability. There are times when we won’t try something new for fear of being bad at it, for the fear of being vulnerable – that ‘first day at school’ feeling, the fear of being awkward and unable to get it right first time. We try to push through learning something new so that we don’t feel those feelings of inadequacy, of vulnerability, of discomfort.

When we get to the point that we only do things that we’re already good at doing, we stop growing and truly living. When we give up being new and awkward at something, we start to decline – things start to shut down inside of us because we’re not feeling that discomfort. We get numb inside our own comfort zones. We stop challenging ourselves to grow and stretch outside of the norm, outside of the familiar facts and opinions we believe to be true. We don’t try new things because we don’t want to be crap at something - and because learning new things is hard!

I feel the same every time I try to learn a barre chord on my guitar – the switch from a simple G chord to an F chord is a total pain! For years I’ve avoided barre chords to my own detriment – and deep down I know if I’d knuckled down, kept practicing and stuck with my weekly guitar classes, I’d be a fairly decent guitar player by now. But I didn’t because it’s bloody hard and I hate being bad at something! It’s human nature to stay in our comfort zones. And I’m still crap at guitar….. 🎸

Photo by Hans-Peter Gauster on Unsplash

But the reality (as Brené sees it) is that the discomfort of being the ‘awkward rookie’ is the juice, it’s our life’s blood – the ‘secret sauce’ if you will. The more we embrace the ‘newness’ and try new things, the more new things we’re willing to try. And it’s not because being new at something gets comfortable, it’s the fact that we learn to ‘normalise’ discomfort. We make it part of our programme of lifelong learning. Standing in the midst of uncertainty and discomfort is the foundation of courage.

Knowing that we can survive those moments of awkwardness and inadequacy and come out the other side with new information, new ideas and new habits, new skills and new outlooks – that’s how we get braver in our lives and our experiences.

So Queen Brené has devised a strategy for embracing and approaching the ‘suck of new’ as she calls it– it’s called the FFT (or F**king First Time!) and it can help you get over that feeling of being the newbie or the fear of a new experience.

She worked it out as follows:

1.       Naming the FFT – Sometimes we’re afraid to name an experience because naming it gives it power. We need to attach meaning and language as a handle to approach a situation. By naming the FFT you’re dispelling the power or claim it has over you. Naming and owning hard things or tough experiences doesn’t give them power, it gives you power.

‘Power is the ability to affect change and achieve purpose’.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

So name the fear or the experience and ask yourself the following questions.

‘Why do I feel out of control?’

‘What’s REALLY going on here?’

‘Why am I in a shame spiral about this?’

‘Why am I so confused? Is this an FFT?’

2.       By naming it, you normalise it – for example ‘I’m only new to this habit/experience/learning, so this is how ‘New’ is supposed to feel’. Normalising it takes the fear and uncertainly away because you’re rationalising the feelings around the experience of ‘new’.

3.       You can put it in perspective – this feeling is not permanent, and it doesn’t mean you’re crap at everything. It means you’re in the middle of an FFT learning this one thing/habit/experience.

4.       You can ‘reality check’ your expectations – you know that learning something new is going to feel hard/uncomfortable/awkward for a while, you’re not going to get the hang of it straight away, Be OK with that, it’s a learning curve. Brené’s advice is not to set yourself up for shame due to your expectations.

‘Expectations are just resentments waiting to happen’

Anne Lamott

So in this collective FFT of the COVID-19 pandemic – let’s put our FFT training to the test!

1.       Naming the FFT – This is the COVID-19 pandemic and let’s be honest, we haven’t a clue what we’re doing. While this life changing scenario is the first global pandemic of modern times, most of us are still unsure what’s happening and are wary of the information we’re receiving. We’re fatigued and worn out with information overload, and all most parents want to know is that the kids are going back to school next week.

2.       Normalising it – We’re struggling to social distance and stay sane because we miss hugging our friends and family, we’re not sure what to tell the children, we feel uncertain, anxious and in limbo. It’s OK to ‘feel all the feels’. If you don’t name the feelings, they’ll swallow you whole. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed with emotion at times - say it out loud, name it, make it have some kind of meaning or significance.

3.       Put it in perspective – According to Brené, perspective is a function of experience. You have to ask for what you need in these situations. If you’re feeling fear of the unknown at the moment, denying it doesn’t make you feel more empathetic towards people who are a lot worse off than you, it makes you feel less empathetic. So feel all the feels, name them and talk about them, get them off your chest, that way you can put it in perspective and see it as part of your COVID 19 experience.

4.       Reality Check – revise your expectations – be more patient with the people around you. You don’t know how anyone else is dealing or coping with this pandemic, therefore a little more consideration and empathy is required. Don’t drift towards those ‘experts’ offering certainty – they may gain your trust by peddling certainty right now but be wary of them. Trust your own intuition, paddle your own canoe, run your own race. The reality is that everyone’s experience of this collective FFT is different. Be aware of this.

So when you’re in an FFT like a global pandemic, remind yourself that it’s a ‘heavier lift’ – emotionally, mentally and physically. It’s going to be harder than you thought, and that’s a bit scary. According to Brené, when you’re in the throes of an FFT, remember it will take twice as long, be 10 times as hard, and you’ll be 25% more pissed off all of the time (her words, not mine!).

Nothing that’s worth learning to do well happens overnight, right?

Stay in those FFT’s, don’t tap out, don’t shut down. Go all in.

It’s bloody tough going through those pesky FFT’s on your own - especially as you build your business - they’re coming at you every day! I love helping women just like you get through those FFT’s so you can focus on what’s important in your life and business, so do get in touch!

Click on the link to access your FREE Clarity Call with me, and find ways to overcome the fear of business FFT’s for good!